.	Handy Household Hints   >> Posted by Jason, 29/01/02 08:24:10 GMT

::If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
::Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
::Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.
::Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the bar in the first place.
::Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

-- Kinky J

.	Dont constipate, knit!   >> Posted by Mike, 29/01/02 10:12:13 GMT

Testify my brother!

oh pretty! www.crochet.com has some fantastic styles all for an afordable joining few. I might join to see if the can knit me a "controller warmer" for my 64, or even better yet....and a tea cosy type thing for my mouse!

-- Doggie C

.	Ghetto fabulous. Bo selecta!   >> Posted by Mike, 28/01/02 02:00:30 GMT

Apparently im not allowed to "throw them Bo's" cos i live in the East side, so i have to do "the shakes" which looks like a person having a fit.
For strat fans. Anyway, is it me or is Croydon turning into a Ghetto? Ok, the town centre is ok, but the following areas recieve Mike's Ghetto award of shittiness:
Thornton Heath
Norbury
Woodside
New Addington
Addiscombe
West Norwood
Purley
Thats all for now.....stay tuned for more of Mike's Awards!(warning: these "awards" may include graphic pornographic images, graphic scenes of death and alot of people i know...so if u dont like it.....blow me!)

-- Doggie C

.	In memory of the real Mr T   >> Posted by Steve, 27/01/02 17:49:10 GMT

I aint messin wit no ho ho ho. Foo'!

My God! Mr T has... lost it. Not only that, but he's a GAY SANTA PIMP TO THE ELDERLY AND DISABLED. Who has lost it. Why God, why? Mr T was my HERO. Now he's reduced to dishing out old ladies to make ends meet. Is there no justice? No HONOUR!!?!?!?! Don't fret, Nobby! Remember Mr T in his former glory here at MR T vs EVERYTHING as the trulybad ass mother flunker around.

-- Nobby

.	The time sponsored by ass is...   >> Posted by Charlie, 27/01/02 12:42:25 GMT

I was on the bus today and almost shit myself.
This lady was sitting behind me and tapped on my shoulder, so I turned around and she literally SCREAMED "COCK IN YOUR ASS!"
I didn't know whether to run away or laugh uncontrollably ... Dude. She apologized later, she has turrets(sp?) syndrome and she was going
to ask me for the time.

A story i stole from a friend of a friend. Just thought i'd share with you. Can you imagine a radiator streaking?

-- Kenpo

.	Exploitation now   >> Posted by Jason, 27/01/02 08:24:10 GMT

Shocking! (Pun man has since been killed)

Let's face it. We all knew it would come to this With the popularity of Pokemon waning Pikachus taste for the high life (read 'cocaine') has become too much to bear as he sells his little yellow body for a hit. Look at that brave yet tortured smile, those shining yet, somehow empty eyes. Fight on, little buddy. We're behind you. And uh, 8 o'clock usual place yeah? I'll bring your *cough* present.

-- Kinky J

.	Sick hair fetish exposed!   >> Posted by Daniel, 11/01/02 23:56:20 GMT

Snazzy duds, too

No one realised it. But Wilykit and Wilykat had the BEST hair. No, really. They're like.. Hair visionairies.Soon we'll ALL have 'kits fetching 'turnip bob' and kat.. Whilst admittedly ripping off Wolverine a bit, had that all essential colour co-ordination going on. Like many genius's though, they simply weren't understood in their time. Kids in the 80's / early 90's just didn't get the sheer beauty.. The.. The ART that was their hair. Wilykit and Wilykat. I salute you.

-- Tricky

.	Your Cock is mine   >> Posted by Greg, 11/01/02 23:56:20 GMT

So, Laura and Louise's Party... The Highlights

- Dan grabbing my ass
- Everyone stealing other people's drinks
- Dave pulling some random girl by sneezing on her
- Dan grabbing my ass
- Putting my elbow in a puddle of beer
- Dan grabbing my ass
- Nicks 'dancing'
- Tom Marsom groping his gay friends, then groping Nick (who isn't gay) by accident
- Dan grabbing my ass
- Dan grabbing my ass again

A good party overall then
I give it 8/10
(two points dropped because Dan didn't grab my ass enough)

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Link of the Day -- Captain Fuck It --Who knows what the hell this site is about. Probably someone trying to be funny.

A bit like this column then.

-- Chipz

.	Your Cock is mine     >> Posted by Greg, 11/01/02 17:42:12 GMT

Hello cocksuckers.
Why is it that everywhere shuts up shop for new years day? EXCEPT THE KEBAB HOUSE!!! Probably because of all
that mayonnaise goodness the customers crave. anyway, enough about blowjobs *haha*
Finally it's 2002, which is much better than 2001 already because i only have to use two different keys to type it.
Also it rhymes with "poo", which gave me seconds of amusement. Not as much amusement as when i found an egg whisk
and a wide-girthed rolling pin in the kitchen bottom drawer but that story's for another time. And another site. In fact it wasn't even me. Honest.

But only a day into the new year and i'm already pissed off because random girls won't have sex with me.
Me: Hi there foxy chick
Bloke: I'm a bloke
Me: Penis, schmenis. You see what i've got on my hat?
Bloke: What?!
Me: Mistletoe. And it's got a used condom on it. Let's fuck.
Bloke: *pukes*
Obviously these people are frigid. There's nothing that says I love you like hot jizz in a plastic sleeve.

So there you go, 2002 is a great year for lazy bastards and nymphomaniacs. Bad luck to all of you guys then!

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Link of the Day -- Landover Baptist Church -- To celebrate this joyous occasion of it being two thousand and two years after the birth of some bloke, watch dogma, masturbate with a ******** and visit http://www.landoverbaptist.org/
Complete with up to the minute news about holy life, it's even got a store where you can buy bible quotation
accesories, with quotes such as
"If a man have a stubborn and rebellious son. . . bring him out unto the elders of his
city. . .And all the men of his city shall stone him with stones, that he die: so shalt thou put evil away from among you. . ." Deuteronomy 21:18-21

"Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones." - Deuteronomy 28:53

"Behold, I will corrupt your seed and spread dung upon your faces." - Malachi 2:3

We could all learn lessons such as these

Bye for now assmonkeys.

-- Chipz

.	Pikeys. The most hated people in Britain?     >> Posted by Mike, 11/01/02 17:42:12 GMT

After watching the film snatch, i wondered. Are Pikeys as glamarous as Guy Rithcie portrayed (sarcasm intended).
To be honest, i dont hate Gypsies, i just dont trust them as far as i could throw them. Now i know that pikeys are hard bastards with all their dodgy bare knuckle fighting and after reading an interview in FHM with 'Britains Hardest Pikey' (raised in Mitcham might i add, a right shite hole.) i have come to the conclsion that not all Pikeys are Irish. Gypsies originated in romania in the 18th century so if anything, a real pikey would look like he's just arrived from kosovo. Irish gypsies, supposedly more commonly found, are just like irish people, just a little dirtier. Which brings me to my next point: Pikey Or Modern Aged Traveller? Think about it. Pikeysr Modern aged traveller? (more pc apparently). Ah well. In the words of Goregues(?) George. "I Fucking hate Pikeys!" Having just arrived at this conclusion. They're smelly, dirty bastards.

-- Dash

.	Farmyard biproducts can be sexy too!     >> Posted by Daniel, 11/01/02 00:25:51 GMT

"Oh baby, take me now"

"Maxine Sanford's clothes are romantic and beautiful; in the shops many of them cost well over a hundred pounds yet, relying on simple outlines and stitches, they are not difficult to create..." Just when you thought your folks room couldn't get any more disturbing. Past the whips and the gimp suits and the petrolium jelly, out of the depths of Steves mums wardrobe we find this. Yes, peeps. Now you too can look like a horny, low budget egyptian simply by utilising a sheeps arse. Best effects are achieved while floating in front of a shelf of candles for maximum 'sexiness'. This book gives you a variety of 'romantic' and 'beautiful' outfits your gran would probably come out with if she ever decided to throw in that old jumper making business and get raunchy with the knit one, pearl two's. Shame that they don't make these things for guys. RWS test-dummy Sylvia says she'd do anything i asked with a bit of wool-based persuasion. The girls go wild for that 'fresh out of the barn' look it seems. Baa, baby.

-- Tricky 

.	Video games promote violence homosexuality     >> Posted by Greg, 01/11/02 17:45:51 GMT

I picked this up for £5 at "Games R U" or whatever the hell they call it. I can't remember cos I was high at the time. Might have even been some warehouse i nicked it from. But the point is, how much is this game worth?
As in the first game, 3 homosexual viking lovers are abducted from their ship by the evil Tomator. They didn't put up a resistance cos they thought it was some kind of kinky kidnapping game, being blindfolded and handcuffed at the time. What a sentient tomato would want with 3 tied-up up bearded blokes is beyond me, but i'm sure it's crucial to the plot. Of which there isn't one.
Along the way to their escape, the misguided trio "pick up" a wolf and a baby dragon. While I personally love furries
(see www.furries.com - Furries Pic 1 and Furries Pic 2)
their presence in this "game" seems to be to appeal to a wider audience (ie live-action roleplayers and furry freaks).
The game consists of running round levels, collecting items so that some witch at the end of the level can make a teleporting brew (ie hash) in her cauldron...

Vikings: Here, we have your ingredients, heathen witch!
Hippy Witch: Far out.
Vikings: We wish to be teleported to the next level!
Hippy Witch: Drink some of my mystical potion. It will take you wherever you wanna go, man.
Vikings: Man, I'm trippin' bitch...

So you actually do have to be high to appreciate this game.

Gameplay: £1
Graphics: 25p
Sound: 10p
Longevity: 50p
Homosexuality: £2
Porn: 1p
Trippin: £5
--------
Total worth : £8.76

That's a saving of £3.76! What a bargain!

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Link of the day -- WWW.FURRIES.COM -- Yes, I do have to shout out the name of this site because apparently it's that exciting and wants to be that heterosexual.
Furries, or wannabe zoophiliacs, seem to consist of middle-aged,fat americans who no doubt write books about bestiality in their spare time and wank over them when they should be doing the dishes. They also like to dress up as animals. And make it public knowledge. I'll lay into those depraved bastards more when i can find some pictures to take the piss out of. Bye bye shitjacks.

-- Chipz

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